the_odd_demon

I've been having a bad manic attack...I can't stop thinking...someone said I was just having a bad anxiety attack. But I can breath fine. My muscles won't stop clenching. I can't stop shaking in general. I just feel really hyper. Wanting to do something and rocking back and forth. IT hurts a lot my arms feel sore...

i'm afiriad of having an attack outside. I beacem such a bad person when It happened before. I did fucking stupid things whenever it would hit when in public. I think I've been able to control it over the last few years but at the same tme I havn't put myself in those same situtations anymore. But in turn it made me more of a recluse. to be afriad of doing what you use to. Not knowing if the path you took was a good choice or if it was just a way out...if I've been lieing to myself this whole time. I mean I feel that I am bored..and I've always hated being alone.

I question a lot about myself when I am manic. I hate it...if what I am saying is approiate...if what I am saying sounds crazy...if what I am doing right...I don't know...but I'm starting to feel the down spin of the manic part now...all thats left is gonna be the feeling alone part.

But I think thats just being human.

(I miss people to much)

I've left the house...mentally now. I think the spark is coming back. surprisly I'm going to partys again. and consitently leaving the house to do shit. its awesome but wierd its been to long since I wasn't enveloped with a job or some kind of issue I make up.

I got my hair cut...and its fucking short...I don't like it this short but I'm looking into another job...something that my exp at lowes will actually mean shit. that way I possibly have a chance of making something close to what i use too. I've all ready been offered a job at rite aid as assitant store manage...but retail might kill me again.

Beyond all that, I've actually been in a good mood. not so stressed really...and actually communicating is a good thing I guess. But its puts new thoughts into my head when I get like this...and sometimes I have to decide if it is me being manic...and I gotta step back at that point...but I've kinda been giving in more to it...cause being manic lead to so many awesome adventures...its almost 4 in the morning and I want to party...its like a backwards anxiety attack...my hearts beating and I feel all sharp and attentive...

Very nastalgic lately...seeing old friends again...its sturs up that shit...now I just need to get into contact with a few more...

new job = moving out again...and this time I know what to look for and stay far away from D-bags. I think this time I might just aim for living by myself. but it might be hard...so I might have to cave into getting a room mate anyways.

I'm glad I started drawing again...I'm glad I started writing again...I'm glad I know what the sun looks like again...I'm glad to just be fucking doing something other than work.

Its been a while since I've posted on here.

It all seems like shadows of the past at this point. I seemed to burn most of my bridges again because of how anti-social I become at points. This time it seems worse than usual though. I don't sleep much anymore. 6/7 nights a week I'm up till at least 5 am thats if I sleep. Theres been quite a few nights now that I havn't even slept. my record so to speak is up to 46 hours before I sleep. Not much helps either.

I've gained some weight since I quit lowes....like 5 pounds but it still bugs...

I don't really hang out with anyone anymore outside of work. On the brightside i make at least conversation with anyone who comes into store. But its always been easy for me to pick up a conversation with anyone who plays games. (god damn I'm fucking cold right now) I've been playing wow here and there I stopped for about a month and just picked it back up on wednesday. I'm just bored.

Its not like I'm depressed or anything...I actually havn't been emo or anything lately so thats good...just anti social. I always get to the point where I'm right before calling anyone...and just stop...I hesitate cause I A) either feel unwelcome or B) or i'll feel uncomfortable for numerous reasons (like I'm scared of being made fun of because...I feel like i'm going nowhere...scared of being made fun of past mistakes...really just scared I won't be accepted) I just feel like a fool. then...I just go back to being bored sitting stranded in my room.

I'm still in debt...slowly now....pulling back out of it. still a cloud that hangs over.

I've dreaming more when I sleep, wierd dreams. Lots of past people honestly. I had the craziest dream about high school which fucking tripped me out when I woke up. god it was so vivid and there was just so many people. but the dreams have lead to me writing and sketching again. its nice to get back into old habits like that.

Whats odd...cause it was a while...I've actually been getting some...its been nothing personal but w/e...shit she even got another friend once...maybe thats why I ain't depressed, just lonely. (seriously NO fucking lie...which makes me kinda proudful again...lol)

I know its assumeptions, but as much as I think people don't like me...I do tell the kids at work about a lot of my old friends...and the storys that usually follow them. as always I miss my old friends...and I miss the friendships i had with people. I realize now how much I really valued quite a few friendsships...I could write a list that goes on and on...but it was the late night phone calls between a girl and a boy...that wasn't anything more than having someone to talk to and understand...the truck rides...and falls...the moment of feeling completly alone derailed and a friend coming to see you without hesitation...still walking home with me...even when I became wierder...and pantless...pushing you into the mud to let you know I still cared...the hugs...and punches...

SO many friends...SO many memories...where did I change? or did I only change when i was with a friend. Did that or does that spirit only come when I knew I felt welcome? I don't even know if that "persona" I played wasn't real...maybe It was who I was all along underneath all the self pity and ignorance. Then what happened from then to now? Did I kill that spirit with self disappointment and pushing what little I had left away?

Theres still a whole lot left i want to do...Like I was thinking about a road trip last night...and where my orginal plans for a road trip went...I still want to get out of santee and seeing something other than this place. then I remeber I'm usually broke. blah. I've been doing good with my money lately...maybe I should just start putting money aside and take a trip. TO virginia and back. if alone...I'll do it alone...if things change from now and whenever I do, do it, take someone(s) along. W/e its a goal that'll I'll enjoy and it will definatly be good for me.

On a better note...I havn't hung out with cory in a while. He just happened to be on aim at 5:40 in the morning. so I guess at like 7-8 hes gonna call and will hang out today. I guess that means no sleep. I might pound a energy drink later. I have to head to work for my paycheck later today so I'll just steal an energy drink then.

I have my mom's methadone so i make sure she only takes so much in a day or at a time for that matter, shes in "some" pain here and there but all in all its not the nearly as bad as it was a month or a few years ago. I told her how it was that she needed to stop acting like this and to act like a human being if not a mom. MY brother on the other side...I totally am not cool with him anymore. he pissed me off for the last time. he pulls all this shit saying no one loves him and that hes leaving...so I tell him its stupid choice and tell him not to go...even moms not being bitchy and sames the same...then 5 mins after he laves he won't stop fucking calling the house and bitching about us. Hes just a rottan spoiled little shit whos gonna end up no where in his life. hes in home school now (cause all his friends are) and he plans on dropping out as well (the other friends arn't either). The little bastards a stupid ass sheep who just follows anyone he deems "cool" when in all reality there just dumbshits being pushed along with the crowd. 15 years old and hes already smoking after I told him numerous times its gonna kill mom and that with out a doubt hes got her addictive personality, if not worse like his dad...which I was right. those 2 have to much in common to get along most of the timeits fucking retarded.

but I've always hated stupid people and never been one to follow others so being complete opposites from jay r is hard...But I'm done trying to talk to him now. I just leave when hes in the room and ignore him if hes talking to me. I'm not trying to piss him off or anything I just honestly don't care anymore, I tried and I tried a lot to help and lead him in some kind of direction and he blew me off for scene and emo people...the worst of idiotic society.

I could rant a storm up on the society and the goverment. More and more each day I just seem to hate the country and the people in it a little more. I should probly not watch CNN or read shit on the internet about it. I dunno its my right as a citizen to know this stuff. but wheres my right as a citizen to do anything about it. Like why the fuck do we need troops with our police forces now. Since when the hell does the goverment thing they can pull this off....because of terriosts? what fucking terriosts? Its all the banking systems fault anyways...there the one pushing all this shit cause as long as the goverment makes a bigger debt there just getting more fucking money to line there pockets. This isn't the first time we have been In a "recession" this is the fucking third god damn time the country has lead itself into a hole. And for the most part with a few select events that do change a lot...a lot of us going into the hole is the way we sent up our banking system...we set it up to fail. its fucking retarded. alright but I'm done. <3

I need a psp....and it needs to be cheap...any ideas?

/edit

Oh and I got spore...(leaked) and have already beaten the "campaign" before the game came out

Lately I've been getting really bored with just playing video games. I mean don't get me wrong I still enjoy playing them. But After much thought about it. I've decided to do a hobby in which I could actually do something more with my hands and *coughs* brain. So for the last few days I've been looking into designing some steampunk shit. I first wanted to mod my 360...but I came to the conclusion that would be a bad start if I screwed up since In doing a more steampunky style it would call for a lot more materials as well. I figured If I did screw up it would be hard to do it again. But then I decided after discussing with justin that I would work on an eyepatch first...after that would be an armpiece with a watch and compass on it. but for now I wanted to start off small and slow....I drew out some basic designs and tonight I might actually work out something a little more intricute. where I could determine exactly what I need for this. I'm a little excited cause not only will I get to build shit...its actually....maybe....might look cool when I'm done.

The more I look at DIY guides the more I realize that smalls things can be cheap but the bigger you go it does get exspensive...but for the most part its a lot of trash searching and cleaning...I'm gonna have to speak to my grandpa about using some of his tools but I don't think He'll have a problem with it.


somethin similar of what I want to do...but it just looks to silver and cleaned up to me....correct me if I'm wrong please.

I'm manic today...VERY manic. Lots of rambling to myself and making a simple yes a full page report. I switched hard today. Went from being down in the shits to actually being happy and wanting to be productive. Kinda strange...thats what the J stands for (its a silent J).
Well I guess I'm going to grossmont on the 18th to register...outta the blue and last minute...but knowledge is important. Melanie told me she would go with me as well, so at least I'll have a push in the right direction. but FUCK I've been rambling all damn day.

OH and I got a new tabard for my rogue...BITCHES...and that shit is epic son.
wheres your epic tabard?
And I am now known in my guild as hug master.....I guess thats an achiement...(too bad wow isn't real) lol

I figured it would hit me at one point another but 3 and a half years later...lol...it finally got me. I've got a bad itch...of the worst fucking kind. So I've decided I'd actually start looking for a girl...well at least start dating again. I mean I've had my chances before and either just didn't want to put effort towards it or take the time outta playing games but...I'm getting pretty lonely now...when I see all my best friends in a relationship. I've made some bad choices with the last few relationships so I am a little worried I might go back into that same pattern...("stealing" girlfriends from other guys for one)...but I think I've learned from my past mistakes.

The other itch...is a really bad habit which I knew would want to come back...and I can't let myself go down that path again. But why is it everytime I tell people about the stories, it just feels like I should have never left it. GOD DAMN though I know it'll just change me all over again and I don't know if I can deal with it this time. I don't think anyone really understands how bad I want to just get fucked up. Just get soooooo fucked up. I KNOW its bad and I KNOW it leads to bad things...but fuck its really hard not too. I really don't know what to do about it. maybe once won't hurt...I've only done it once before and didn't touch it for a months. I dunno if I have the self control anymore. But I miss the lights, the music, the people, just everything so much. I don't expect for anyone understand and kinda just don't care...but...I can't...

Well I don't work at lowe's anymore, well...I've NEVER felt so good. I'm starting my new job tonight. I only work 2 hours for training...and its at 10 pm...but w/e it should be 20 times better than lowes. Its gonna be a good start.

I realized, that Mel is not the kind of girl I want...or at least anymore. I've come to the conclusion its hard to find a girl I really am interested in. I mean Yeah I could go out with these girls But I don't think I'll be happy. In the last 2 days I got a 2 girl's phone numbers, which for me is a jump. I mean there cute girls and there super sweet but I don't know.

I don't rightly know what to do but I'll keep moving forward.
I just seem super depressed lately. I don't know if its cause I am down on money, Down on myself, or down about my job. I just don't feel happy.

I think I just need someone to talk, to vent in a sense...or just someone who will give me answers

On another note. I'm gonna try and quit smoking again.

To really cap it all up this has been a pretty bad year if compared to the last few. I'm a few thousand dollars into debt. Every day my job rips a piece of my soul out of me and breaks my back just a little more. As of late I barely even want to get up and out of bed. Coming up on my 3rd year of being single with no promise for the future. A few friends here and a few friends there dropped me from there life. Now I've dropped my family outta my life. I don't have much to show for atm. Just depressed and alone.